President Obama Tells Colleges To Lower Tuition

(above) President Obama told DU's Chancellor Coombe and his buddies to quit raising college tuition in his State of the Union Speech

President Obama's State of the Union Speech...

"And it’s time for colleges and universities to get serious about cutting their own costs – because they too have a responsibility to help solve this problem."
Imagine our surprise when President Obama called out America's college presidents for continually raising tuition in his State of the Union Address on Wednesday night. University of Denver Chancellor Robert Coombe must have choked on his 75 year-old Cognac when Obama started ripping America's educational elite. Coombe has raised tuition every year he's been in charge at DU since 2005.

Unfortunately for our beloved leader, Coombe had just announced another Tuition hike on Tuesday in the Clarion. Naturally Coombe had one of his lackeys do the dirty work since our guy isn't especially adept at facing angry mobs.

Not to worry Bobby, LetsGoDU is here to help. America's favorite college hockey blog doesn't just build coonskin capped mascots and drum up the masses at hockey games. We're experts at raising cash in difficult times and making tough choices.

Here's ten ideas that should raise a couple of million bucks in the next year so you won't have disobey the President of the United States and raise tuition rates at the University of Denver.
1). Fine students $5 for smoking pot - The days of kicking kids out of the dorms and sending letters home to their parents are over. Not only will DU raise tons of money in fines, but more students will want to live in the dorms. A hidden revenue stream will be charging local pizza delivery drivers $2 to park at DU after the stoned students get the "munchies."

2). Bring Back Boone - Hate to sound like a broken record, but bringing back our beloved mascot will raise hundreds of thousands in merchandise sales. Boone Bobbleheads, Boone T-Shirts, Boone hockey jerseys. "Fire Coombe - Bring Back Boone" shirts will sell like hotcakes.

3). Fire Anti-Boone Professors & Eliminate Anti-Boone Departments - These bozos pissed off the alumni and made you look like an idiot. Now its payback time. Look at it on the bright side; In Iran, traitors are hanged. We only want to shitcan DU's traitors who ratted on Boone.

4). Fire Yourself or take a Paycut - Chancellor Ritchie worked for a dollar a year. You make 300 Large. See the problem?

5). Charge $20 a day for Parking - If you're going to build copper walled parking lots, customers should expect to pay a little more. Offer extra services like valet parking so students have an opportunity to make some extra money from tips.

6). Sell "Extra Credit" - Rich students have been getting screwed at DU for years. Not only do they have to pay full tuition, but its damn near impossible to get good grades after partying in Vail every weekend. Take a cue from the airline industry and offer 1st Class & Economy DU educations. Corner dorm rooms, more comfortable classroom chairs, extended hours to meet professors, meal service with China & silverware and free cocktails with dinner in the "Chancellor's Lounge."

7). Put Parking Meters on all Electrical Outlets - We all know how much DU hates wasting electricity. Want to recharge a cellphone, laptop or ipod in a classroom or dorm? That will be 50 cents. Exact change please.

8). Charge DU Hockey Fans For Sitting Down - No one should sit during a DU hockey game. Ever. Charge 5 dollars extra to every fan who sits down during the game. Think of the long term health benefits.

9). Sell Cigarettes On Campus Again - Lets face it. Banning smoking in this economy was a bad idea. No one is hiring and to make matters worse, the high tuition has thrown the students $100,000 into debt in one of the worst recessions in history. Hell, I need a cigarette just thinking about it and I don't smoke.

10). Buy the Border - Coombe missed a golden opportunity last month to buy the Border Bar. What's the only thing DU students spend money on even when times are tough? You guessed it. Booze. Buy the Border and use the profits to build the endowment. If John Evans had opened the Border in 1864 when he founded DU, our endowment would be greater than Harvard's.


du78 said...

Some of your finest work just before a big weekend facing the "hostile and abusives" on the banks of the Red River. :-)

DenverGoldJersey said...

I hope the enforcement of the pot smoking will not increase... if that is the case students will hate their meddlesome RAs even more. I would have owed some money in undergrad though.

Amy said...

No one should ever sit during a hockey game unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. Very nice list DG.

achsdu17 said...

Damn right charge those bozos who sit around texting acting like it's social networking time. You're at a freakin hockey game with one of the best teams in the league and all they want to do is talk about shopping or what they did a few days ago. Either start supporting the team, pay the $5.00 or get the hell out of our building.

And another thing, to the ones who schedule these games... stop having DU play CC or UND on winter break. Your pretty much eliminating any home ice advantage we have.

DJ Powers said...

LMAO DG. This was just what I needed to pep up my morning blues. Thanks. ;-)

Justin said...

Great Stuff Damien!!!! Loved it... as I write my student loan payment... ERRR 150 Large for undergrad and law school at DU... Still love my Pios though!!


Pioneers04 said...

DU would make tons on the pot fine, but it could probably fund about 50-75% of CU's operating budget, or maybe 100% of CCs?