LetsGoDU

Cornell Cracks Down On Fishy Fans
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(Left) The Lynah Rink Haz-Mat Team braces for poisonous blowfish, Antrax-laced Tuna and live Pirhanna that Cornell Students have been known to throw on the ice against Harvard

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ITHACA — Just like salmon returning to spawn (ok, what frustrated novelist wrote this crap), it happens every year — the throwing of dozens of dead fish onto the Lynah Rink ice by Cornell fans moments before the start of the Big Red's annual hockey showdown with rival Harvard.

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Sometimes, more than 100 fish, an occasional lobster (do you know how many children are starving in Africa?...Neither do I, but its probably a lot) or octopus, and a few goldfish (the few not swallowed by drunk frat boys on the way to the arena), have splatted onto the Lynah ice during pre-game warm-ups as fans taunt the smartest of the Big Red's rivals.

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Occasionally, a poorly aimed piscine has bonked the head of a Harvard player (ouch, thats gonna leave a mark), adding to the bad blood (DNA) between the two teams.

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Cornell University officials (who couldn't find employment in the private sector during the longest economic boom since the 1950's) have long grown tired of the tradition. In recent years, fans have been (illegally?) searched (& siezured) before they enter Lynah and all fish found have been confiscated (anybody want to guess whats for dinner on Sunday night in the dorms?). After all, the fish-tossing delays the start of the game and provides a health hazard for the players of both teams.

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Occasionally, a fish has been thrown during the game, and a 2-minute unsportsmanlike conduct penalty has been charged to Cornell (which only makes it harder for Cornell's pathetic offense to score goals). Big Red officials say they have been warned that a delay of Saturday's 5:30 p.m. game, which is being televised nationally on CSTV, will result in a penalty (we wouldn't want any of CSTV's 35 viewers to change the channel).

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As such, Cornell officials are taking their fish smuggling prevention to the next level (there's a "next level" in the fish-smuggling-prevention-business?). In a press release issued Thursday, Cornell officials warn that “those found with fish will lose their ticket to the game" (does this include students with Sushi spilled on their jackets from a previous meal?). As always, throwing objects onto the ice is prohibited, and violators are subject to expulsion from the rink (since there is nothing else to do in Ithica on a Saturday night, you might as well just shoot the offenders because their weekend is D-E-A-D).”

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The press release also warns fans that “shouting obscenities" (anyone heard of Freedom of Speech?) or using threatening language ("Hey Harvard, while you're wasting time playing hockey your classmates are studying. You'll never get hired on Wall Street"), signs or gestures will result in ejection from Lynah Rink and loss of playoff tickets (nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to miss that First Round "ESPN Instant Classic" against Brown).”

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Instead, fans are urged to bring stuffed toys (did you say Stuffed Flounder?) for the “Cops, Kids and Toys Program" (I prefer "Pigs, Kids & Vids Program"), a program that benefits more than 600 (police) families and 1,600 Tompkins County (police) children each year (Looks like Police Chief's son is gonna get a new X-Box on Sunday morning).

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Before all that, though, head coach Mike Schafer's club will take on Dartmouth (no wonder Cornell wins 25 games every year) at 7 tonight, with first place in the ECAC Hockey League on the line.